Seriously? A year later?

I just logged in and noticed....it's been a year!

A year of changes.
A year of unknown.
A year of what next?

Since I last made a post, Miss T has graduated from High School with Honors, made a Radio Shack commercial with Orlando Jones, and joined a professional dance troupe.  They are practicing locally but we do not know what the gigs might be yet.

In the beginning of her Sr year, her boyfriend joined the Navy, came home for Christmas with a very different attitude (one of arrogance) and they broke up.  Broke her heart.

As the boyfriend was leaving for boot camp, Tom was in the hospital, going into renal failure.  We had been at Chapel Hill a month before for a consultation and then next thing I know his lab work was getting worse.  A week into the hospitalization they suggested I move him to Hospice.  His family came in from Florida and Texas and were with him until the end.  One of our last lucid conversations was "It wasn't supposed to be this way.".  I simply said "I know" - that was on Wednesday.  Thursday he was in and out of consciousness and by Friday just unresponsive.  His family came in on Saturday and stayed.  Monday night Miss T came by to say her "Goodbye's" and Tuesday night the entire family went out to eat and raise a glass. 

I had a funny feeling that I needed to go back.  So I did.  He passed at 10:20 pm on September 16th with his brother saying his goodbye. 

I sent Tom home with his Dad (literally).  He was cremated and was able to ride to Florida with them as they headed home.  He wanted to be buried in the National Cemetery there with his Mother.  Handing his remains over to his Father was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  A couple of weeks later, we flew down for the funeral.  As the service was ending, a motorcycle revved up and went past the hall.  We all knew it was Tom's way of saying "I'm riding and all is well".

Our next journey was to Chicago for the Naval Boot Camp Graduation Ceremony.  What a beautiful event.  Makes you proud to be an American in every way possible.  Miss T so wanted to discuss Tom's death with the bf but he of course didn't want to discuss "sad" things.  Hmmmm.... ok.

After Christmas we took off to the mountains to visit the bf who was home on leave.  Very different and distant.  I had assumed it was the training, but something else was off too.  We left feeling like we didn't know this person anymore.   On a more fun note, I had bought 4 scratch off tickets on the way up there and it wasn't until we were leaving that I scratched them....winning $100!  We were then on a mission.  Seemed like we stopped at every gas station in sight, buying and winning $1, $2, $10, $20.....we were crazed!

We have made 2 more trips to the NC Mountains.   One just to run away and another for an emergency.  One of Miss T's friends was in an accident and of course we hauled off.  
 

This picture is of a covered bridge just outside of Boone.  The neighborhood is "Sleepy Hollow".  Miss T fell in love with the bridge the first time we found it some 4 years ago.

We also are enjoying a locally filmed thriller named "Sleepy Hollow" which has a 200+ year old resurrected "Ichabod Crane" into our world, his future, to solve mysteries of why the 4 Horsemen are terrorizing the town of Sleepy Hollow.  It's a play on history, some truths and some fiction thrown it.  It's pretty awesome picking out the scenery - local town hall, streets, bars, waterfronts etc.

Another locally filmed thriller is "Under The Dome" based on a Stephen King novel.  It mostly takes place in my rural county, so the same goes for recognizing scenery - courthouse, streets and farms.

This fall "Secrets and Lies" came out.  It was also filmed locally but based on our sister city Charlotte.

Once upon a time we were known as East Hollywood.  Screen Gems Studios was home to a lot of filming.  Things slowed down for a while.  A couple of years ago "Dawson's Creek" brought the industry back to the area.  Unfortunately, the governmental incentives play a big part in where the filming goes.  Seems Georgia is winning that one right now and a lot of our crews are going there.

My point is, we have met some great people and some of our locals have been lucky enough to have some recurring roles in a few.  That is how we met the dance teacher and got involved in the commercial.  Networking!!

Now, what to do next about life?

Seriously thinking that living here is 

1) too much $$

2) too much upkeep - lots of room and land

3) too far away from _______ and 

4) full of memories.  

I might just be a weeeee bit afraid of change.

Not OF change, maybe TO change.

This would require getting out of my comfort zone, meeting new people, going new places, and packing.  Yes, packing.  OMG I've been here since 1989.  Way too much stuff.  I would have to downsize, of course, and that's a smart thing.  Then there's Miss T who is beginning college and going through some rough anxiety right now (with break up and death).  It's the where and when and how of it all.  I'm not one of those kinds that just ups and leaves whenever the mood strikes.  I like roots.  But I feel stale.  I feel blah.  And I feel safe.

I've turned 50 this past week- the dreaded F word.  I don't want to die saying "what if" or "why didn't I".  I need something fresh....and happy.

Eastern NC

Summer 2012

"Alone By the Sea "©Sharon

 

As always, Summer is going by so fast.

My photo above is serene....alone time by the sea can wash away troubles.

Seaside, so peaceful.  I could not imagine living anywhere else.

A friend suggested I read "Co-Dependent No More" - I bought the book, but haven't started reading it yet.  I did an online search about the same and found that I've been attempting the same things that are suggested by many therapists and self help groups.  I attempt to go on with my life as normal as possible, not worrying about dear hubby at home, the "karma" he seems to be reaping now from the ill decisions of his past - even went on a mini vacation with out him, also a suggestion in the book.  Take back your life - stop worrying about someone who obviously didn't give a damn about how you felt all those times.

Yet, when I've done that, I'm still the "bad guy" and I know that's not true, it's just his perception and the fact that he can't accept the situation he is now in.  One year ago this week he was in the hospital near death.  I guess after all these years, I've finally realized that it was not my place to worry about his choices.  All that energy I spent "chasing" him, I should have placed towards my own life and Miss T..............

...........Hindsight.

Hard to believe Miss T is beginning 10th grade, and almost 16!!  Boys, yes, boys.....they all want to have a "relationship" status to "be somebody" or "fit in".  I've tried to discourage that, just because #1 it always messes up friendships and #2 it is highly over-rated.  One on one in the teen years isn't all it's cracked up to be -- a good group of great friends - now THAT is awesome and much more fun!  Don't get me wrong, we all "need somebody to love" as Queen sings, and we're sure to have our share of heartaches from friends anyway....we have to learn about life somehow.  I've tried to shelter Miss T from as much bad influence as possible and I think she has had a good overall experience.  Dance has taught her not only the art, but discipline and respect.  She has seen her fair share of drama in the dance studio trust me!

We have the official boyfriend status now, but I think he may be soon on the way out.  They've been great friends this year and it's tough to say "don't ruin your friendship" just because.  He was over recently, unexpected - he did call first since he was in the area - and I think she got a taste of how "manipulative" he could be.  She'd say "don't do that" and of course........well, that doesn't sit well with her.  No, it wasn't anything *ahem* it was a simple, request like "don't go in that room" but he'd be like "what's in there?".  Anywho, I think that will be taken care of soon!  Nip it, NIP IT!!

 Next week begins the new dance year.  So excited to be at a new studio!!  Glad to have left the "mean girls" behind us and I'm not just talking about pre-teen and teenagers.  Some of the policies of people...ego's and all about money - not about ability, just make sure you've paid your bill! 

Our new studio just sent out a newsletter "welcoming" the new members.   There was even a picture on it of Miss T and 4 friends from a "dance girls night out" to the movies.  Awesome!! Also they plan "team building" adventures like a pool party, skating, water parks, lock-ins etc.  They also have a very organized fund raising team.  Next year we will be at 2 dance conventions, one in Charleston SC and one in Atlanta GA plus competing in 5 regional dance competitions.  $$$$$$  Yep, this was a big step for us!  The best part is that the owners/teachers really love what they are doing and they love the kids!

School......we have the schedule....it was what she wanted.  It's going to be a great year!

The Theatre Arts teacher told her she was requesting she be placed in her production class for this year and YES it's there!!  Drama in both semesters.....time to start preparing for the Halloween Haunted Barn and Hayride fundraiser!  Wonder if the theme is still going to be "Asylum"?  Tara has some crazy ideas for it.  

Speaking of drama, one of her drama friends, "J", has been over a lot.  He graduated last year and is the sweetest fellow.  Great family!  I get the feeling he needs to feel accepted and appreciated.  I think we can work on that...first let's get him a JOB!!  LOL he and Miss T actually had a "date" earlier this summer.  I said it wasn't a "date" but they said "yes it was" - it was a bet between them.  I'm not sure if there was a winner....anyway, they're cool friends....he's like a big brother.  It will do her good to have a big brother.

Why am I rambling???  I gotta get to bed!  Road trip tomorrow to Raleigh!

Night friends!

 

Remember the MEME's we used to do?

 Found this over in my AOL Journals blog.  Lots of good times over there!

Meme Time! 
Using the third letter of your first name,
answer the following questions:  Sharon = A !

1. Famous Singer : Aerosmith (group) or Anita Baker
2. Four letter word : Also
3. Street : Airlie Road
4. Color : Aquamarine
5. Gifts/Presents : Alstroemeria (flower) 
6. Vehicle : Acura
7. Things in Souvenir Shop :  Art
8. Boy Name : Allen
9. Girl Name : Ashley
10. Movie Title : Animal House
11. Drink : Appletini
12. Occupation : Accountant
13. Celebrity : Anna Nicole
14. Magazine : Architectural Digest
15. U.S. City : Aspen
16. Pro Sports : Acrobat
17. Fruit : Apple
18. Reason For Being Late To Work : A late night out
19. Something You Threw Away : Ashes
20. Something You Shout : AHA!
21. Cartoon Character : Andy Capp
22. Song Title:  Aquarius

NY Comes to DIXIE

I love to meet up with friends and have laughs. 

When my friend Ellen comes to the south we try to get together and this year she invited me to stay with her while she was here.  Since we get along as well as family and she insisted I said OK!  But only for 2 nights....not going to ruin their vacation.  We spent the days by the beach or pool and had wonderful dinners.  Her kids are wonderful and we love them!!

Choosing a restaurant is easy....we all like the same things.  Miss T suggested the Hard Rock Cafe which was unanimous by all.  Eating together is a hoot.  Of course we have "Sweet Tea" in the south; they have "Iced Tea" and I wanted to know what the difference was......nothing, except that a lot of the time in the North the tea doesn't come sweetened.  You have to do that at the table and do you know how hard it is to sweeten a cold drink?  Sugar doesn't want to melt!

When we visited NY, Miss T asked for a "to go cup" for the rest of her drink....the restaurants don't do "to go cups" and find it odd that anyone would ask for one.  Today, after lunch, the girls asked for "to go cups" and were given HUGE ones!

Y'all is a southern thang....and to hear them say it............well, just ain't right!  To us, "youse guys" is just as funny. 

We say "Ric-cot-ta" and they say "Rig-goat-a"; it's "Motz-sa rella" to us and "MOOTZ a rell" to them. A "cannoli" is a Can-oli but they say "Gun-ol-ee".

I get a kick out of my hubby when he's trying to be all Italian at a restaurant.  We both love to eat Calamari and us southerners will order "Calla mah-ry" but not him....HE has to ask for "Gahl - a mah" and let the word roll out of his mouth!

In the school system, how is Grammar taught? If  the "R" sound is missing (doah instead of door) or half the word is gone (y'all instead of you all) ????

Actually I LOVE to hear a Yankee accent!  And I don't mind making fun of my own Southern Slang!

OH Boy!

Life......

well, up and down, just like a merry-go-round.

I'd like to say it was fun here at the circus.

Unfortunately, think "Nightmare on My Street".

Last August, hubby had his week in the hospital.  Here we are almost a year later and I'm not sure where all that stands yet.  Cirrhosis -- funny sounding word, even weirder disease.

The tough thing for hubby living with this is that he thinks he is "fine".....only the toxins that don't get released from his body only build up and by UP I mean UP!  To the brain they go to chomp away (think Pac-Man) at the brain cells.  This gives dear hubby a case of the not so smarts.

Some days he seems as sharp as a bowling ball...others he's normal.  The days when I catch myself thinking "why doesn't he get this?" -- I wonder, is this the result of the disease?  Is this the "bad day" of those "good days and bad days" I've been told about?

Most people see him and think he's "normal".  But I live here everyday and watch and wonder.

Hubby thought he could "handle" drinking, again.  That just lead to worse things.  A car tire blown out (from hitting a curb) and I'm furious because "obviously you can't handle a car" and I have a small chat with his Dr about maybe it's time to yank his license.

Dr came up with the plan to go to therapy and get back in AA.  Hubby has been complying.  However, his theory about it is this:  "I'll go until it starts costing me a lot of money".

Doesn't matter if it HELPS or not........just don't take "my money".

Any time you challenge hubby about his actions, he is of course defensive or answers with a question....complete reversal and let's get off the subject of "me".

And what about "me".....?

Well....ME me is going to the beach for a couple of days of RnR with Miss T.  Meeting up with a J-Land friend - becoming our tradition!  This vacation will be very welcomed in my life right now.......

Hubby is sulking over it.

Too bad.

He's had many "days out/vacations" with out me.

Thinking about making this a PRIVATE blog.
Email me your addy so I can add you to the reader.


See you by the sea!

Almost a year later....

 Yes, I'm still around.
 
I left you hanging in my last post and I'd like to apologize for that. 

After moving my Nanny to Hospice we struggled with the idea that, this is it.  This is the final resting place until Nanny is called by Jesus.  She rested; my Mom stayed with her as much as possible, reading scripture to her and parts from a good book she was reading.  My Nanny was an avid reader - loved books!  I think she learned a lot of lessons from the writings of others.  She read her Bible every night.  Oh the books that she had and she knew we were going to have to deal with THAT once she was gone.  She joked about it often -- said "Gosh, just look at all this stuff someone is going to have to get rid of!".....and I'd look over and say YEAH guess WHO!!

I think for the most part that I was in shock that my Nanny was in fact dying.  However, I think I was at peace knowing that IF she had to die that it was (not) OK because she and God had discussed these things and they were good friends, on the same page and he probably said to her "whenever you feel like you're ready I'm ready".  For me, I was NOT ready, no way, no how, but that's not how it works. 

Tara and my Mom were on the way to a hair appointment when she got the call.  How ironic....all three times my daughter has been with my Mom when she got the "bad news".  First my call about the fall; next was witnessing the stroke and now this.  The nurse said she had a smile come on her face and then.....it was peaceful.  I know Nanny was seeing the Angels that were there to take her home!

How hard it was to see her lifeless body.  I still uncovered her feet lol.  It was odd how empty she looked - I guess it is true that we are only the housing for the soul.  The body will wear out but the soul is the life of the person and that will live on forever.

The next stop on my agenda is hubby....still sitting in hospital while all of this is going on.  De-compensated Liver and Upper GI bleed.  Cirrhosis is full blown and with Hep C there isn't much to do unless he is willing to go through the treatments, stop drinking and live the clean life on medication.  His mind is still unable to understand why he is in the hospital.  I tell him about Nanny, and he's clearly upset by it.

We plan the funeral - simple yet elegant.  I cannot recognize the lady in the casket.  Somehow that is not the Nanny that I had just 2 weeks prior.  My 2 brothers and I wrote letters for the Pastor to read of some of our memories; my Mom penned a nice note and I received an email from a long time friend that said the nicest things about Nanny.  The service ended with the upbeat tune "Dwelling In Beulah Land" just like Nanny would have wanted it.  

Had she been there, sitting beside us, we would have been laughing and people would have been saying "aww, look how upset they are" yet, we would have probably been making jokes about how much she looked like................................or how much weight the preacher had put on or....something silly.  She even said her oldest sister looked "the best they'd ever seen her" when she was laid out in her coffin just a few years ago!!